Have you ever felt that pang of anxiety when you want to stand up for your idea at work but worry about seeming “too much”? Or when being forthright feels like stepping on toes? Assertive communication is one of the most important skills a leader can develop, yet it is often a difficult skill for women to come to grips with.
In today’s team-focused work world, speaking up confidently is a must-have skill. But for many women, thanks to age-old stereotypes, it feels like walking a tightrope between being strong and coming off too strong. Let’s dive into this, break down the myths, and arm ourselves with better communication tools.
Picture this: A young woman sits in a boardroom, ideas bubbling within her, yet she hesitates to voice her thoughts. Why? The fear of being “too assertive,” of crossing an invisible boundary set by societal stereotypes.
It’s a common scene: A qualified woman hesitates to share her insights in a meeting, wary of being labeled “too assertive” or “aggressive.” Societal norms have often presented women with a narrow band of acceptable behavior, especially in the professional arena.
In professional circles, women constantly grapple with the tightrope act of being both assertive and approachable. But assertiveness is not synonymous with aggression—it’s about communicating with clarity and confidence without overshadowing others.
Deciphering Assertiveness from Aggression
Understanding the line between assertiveness and aggression is the starting point for effective leadership communication.
- Assertiveness: It entails articulating one’s needs, boundaries, and opinions while being respectful. Assertiveness hinges on mutual respect.
- Aggression: This is characterized by an intent to dominate or belittle others, often prioritizing power over respect.
The nuances between these two lie in the tone, body language, and word choice. The way you articulate, your tone, body language, and the words chosen can shift a conversation from collaborative to confrontational.
Think of it through the lens of a salsa class. Assertiveness is like dancing to the rhythm, feeling the beat, expressing yourself while respecting your partner’s space. Aggression? That’s intentionally stepping on their feet. It’s all about balance and understanding.
While assertiveness champions mutual respect, aggression leans into domination. Tone, body language, and words play a pivotal role in this distinction.
The Fear of Being Labeled
In a society rife with labels, one negative tag can overshadow a woman’s myriad achievements.
Labels are powerful. The “bitch” label, historically used to pigeonhole assertive women, has long-term implications—deterring many of us from vocalizing our thoughts. It’s a reflection of ingrained biases that limit women’s roles.
Labels can be a double-edged sword. For women, being dubbed “bossy” or “overbearing” can overshadow accomplishments. Challenging these limiting biases is vital in changing the narrative. By doing so, we empower women to communicate freely, without fear of stigmatization.
Challenging this bias can come in many different forms, but one way is to directly address the situation. If you find that you or someone is being called aggressive, or a “bitch,” or bossy, ask the person directly what led them to have that perception. Go into the conversation with an open mind, without confrontation, and with a genuine sense of curiosity.
Of course, power dynamics can sometimes prevent this conversation from happening – you might not feel comfortable having this conversation with someone senior to you at work. But, having the conversations at a level you feel comfortable with can help open people’s minds and understand the biases that do exist.
Strategies for Assertive Communication
The manner in which we convey our thoughts often determines the response we receive. Effective communication is an art. Here’s how women can practice and master it:
- Active Listening: This goes beyond hearing. It involves fully concentrating, understanding, and responding to the nuances of the conversation. This ensures mutual respect.
- Use “I” Statements: “I feel that…” or “I believe…” helps express without implying blame.
- Be Concise and Clear: Be direct to avoid misunderstandings. A straightforward message reduces chances of misinterpretation.
- Stay Calm and Composed: Deep breaths and grounding techniques can help maintain composure.
- Seek Feedback: Ask trusted colleagues for insights into your communication style.
- Practice Non-verbal Communication: Non-verbal cues often speak louder than words. Ensure your gestures and posture exude confidence.
- Avoid Qualifiers: Strengthen your statements. Instead of “I just think,” confidently say, “I believe.”
Let’s take a look at an example. Mia always ensures she truly understands a colleague’s viewpoint before chiming in—this is active listening. Similarly, using phrases like “I feel” or “I believe” allows her to express herself without playing the blame game. And while it’s tempting to soften statements with qualifiers, Mia knows they only dilute her message. Staying composed, avoiding terms like “just” or “maybe,” and practicing strong non-verbal cues empower her voice.
Confidence is the cornerstone of assertive communication. Cultivate it through self-awareness, seeking mentorship, celebrating achievements, and reframing self-critical thoughts.
- Self-awareness and Self-reflection: Journaling or meditation can help understand your communication strengths and areas of improvement.
- Finding a Mentor or Coach: Seek someone who’s been there, navigated the challenges, and can guide you.
- Celebrating Small Victories: Create a ‘win’ journal or share successes with close friends.
- Address and Reframe Inner Critical Voices: Recognize negative self-talk and practice affirmations.
Early on in our careers, sitting in a boardroom filled with suits can often make us feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed. But it’s important to move out of your comfort zone and speak up. It takes time. Self-reflection. Celebrating even the tiniest victories. Understand that small steps turn into big results!
Conflict is inevitable, but it’s the approach that determines outcomes. Having a plan for conflict, utilizing structured methods like the DESC model, and understanding the dynamics of confrontation can lead to positive resolutions.
- DESC Model: Describe the situation, Express your concerns, Specify a change, and state the Consequences. This structured approach can pave the way for constructive conversations.
- Timing and Setting: A quiet space, free of distractions, and choosing a time when both parties aren’t stressed can make confrontations more effective.
- Win-Win Solutions: Prioritize mutual benefits and solutions that respect both viewpoints.
- Know Your Non-negotiables: Understand your boundaries and be prepared to articulate them.
By adopting methods like the DESC model and understanding the dynamics of confrontation, women leaders can address conflicts constructively, upholding respect and professionalism.
Putting DESC into action: Addressing a Team Member’s Consistent Tardiness
Kim is a project manager in a tech firm. One of her team members, Alex, has been consistently late to team meetings over the past month. This tardiness is affecting the project’s momentum and team morale. Kim decides to address the issue directly with Alex using the DESC model.
Kim: “Alex, I’ve observed that you’ve been arriving late to our team meetings for the past month. Last week, you missed the first 15 minutes of three out of our five meetings.”
Kim: “When this happens, it disrupts the flow of our discussions, and sometimes we have to revisit points we’ve already covered, which delays our progress. Additionally, I’m concerned about the message it sends to the rest of the team regarding commitment and punctuality.”
Kim: “I understand that unexpected situations can arise. However, I’d like you to prioritize punctuality for our scheduled meetings. If you foresee a delay, please communicate ahead of time so we can adjust or catch you up later without affecting the group’s productivity.”
Kim: “Consistent punctuality ensures that our team remains cohesive and we meet our project milestones. On the other hand, if the tardiness continues, we may need to reconsider your involvement in specific crucial discussions or roles which require stringent time commitments.”
Alex might then respond, leading to a dialogue where both parties can discuss the situation, understand each other’s perspectives, and arrive at a mutual solution. By using the DESC model, Kim clearly and assertively addresses the issue without being aggressive, offering Alex a chance to rectify the behavior while understanding the implications of his actions.
Cultivating Allies and Building Relationships
True leadership isn’t a solo journey. Building meaningful relationships, networking genuinely, and engaging in mentor-mentee dynamics can amplify a leader’s growth trajectory. The allies we garner along the way can make a profound difference.
- Building a Network: This doesn’t mean just exchanging business cards. Engage in genuine conversations, understand their journeys, and establish mutual trust.
- Networking Events, Workshops, and Conferences: Not just for learning, but also for spotting potential allies.
- Mentoring and Sponsor Relationships: While mentors guide you, sponsors advocate for you. Both are invaluable.
Networking isn’t about collecting contacts—it’s about building relationships. Genuine networking, attending professional growth events, and nurturing mentor-mentee relationships can enrich a leader’s path, offering guidance and support.
Addressing the Gender Double Standard
Unfortunately, the workplace, mirroring society, often holds us women to a different standard than our male counterparts.
In leadership, women often dance between the extremes of being perceived as “too soft” or “too hard.” The gender double standard is a reality. We can confront these biases by acknowledging them, promoting diversity and inclusion, and remaining authentic in our communication style.
Women leaders are often faced with the dilemma of being assertive and facing critique or being passive and going unnoticed. We women have this delicate balance of wanting to be liked and respected. It’s tough. By staying true and addressing biases, we can rewrite the script.
A growth mindset is essential for today’s dynamic professional landscape. Adaptability, embracing feedback, and continuous learning ensure women leaders stay relevant and impactful.
- Adapting Communication Style: The professional world is dynamic. Be flexible and adapt based on feedback.
- Embrace Feedback: Constructive criticism is a gift—accept it with grace and use it for growth.
- Lifelong Learning: Dedicate time to personal development, whether through online courses, books, or workshops.
Change is the only constant. It’s okay to evolve. Embracing feedback, adapting communication styles, and committing to lifelong learning ensure that women leaders remain at the forefront of our fields.
For women leaders, assertive communication is a formidable ally. It’s not a transformation but an embrace of one’s true self. It might be challenging, even uncomfortable, but it’s a journey of growth and empowerment. Embrace assertiveness and redefine the paradigms of leadership.
Being assertive might feel like wearing shoes that haven’t been broken in yet. It might pinch a little. But remember, it’s just you stepping outside your comfort zone. Embrace that assertiveness. You’re not aggressive; you’re just growing. Embrace it, champion it, and watch as doors open and ceilings shatter.